Sometimes, sunrise is my favorite time of day. There is that little tiny second when it feels like everything is holding it’s breath, waiting to see if the sun will, indeed, rise again. Then that first spark appears and before long there are rays of light going everywhere chasing away the dark and the cold (even if it really isn’t chasing away the cold, it just feels like it). Sometimes my life feels like that, like I’m holding my breath and waiting for that first spark of light to appear.
Then I remind myself of all the rays of light I already have. I am, relatively speaking, healthy. My Mother and Sister are healthy and safe as is my Brother and his family. I have friends that really do care about me, which I find wonderfully amazing. It’s been a long time since I’ve actually had people really care if I’m breathing or not. It’s an interesting and wonderful feeling. I like it. I have a job, granted it’s part time, but, to be brutally honest, I don’t think I could handle full time anymore, and we got a raise at the first of the year. I have a companion, furry and four footed though she is, Meow-Yen makes me smile and she is MY responsibility to keep safe and fed and happy and warm. (Which sometimes I kind of fail with, especially with her litter box.) And the most important thing is God and Jesus love me. And I love them.
All this leads up to a discovery yesterday. Some of my friends and family still don’t really get how hard winter is for me. They’ve implied that it’s all in your mind. Just get over it. Etc. Well, of course it’s in my mind. S.A.D. doesn’t live anywhere else. And it’s especially hard when it’s as cold and snowy as it is now. With my physical limitations, going outside is not an easy proposition. The low barometer makes my joints hurt so much. I tried to go shopping on Friday with my Mom and Sister and I couldn’t do it. I only got 6 or 7 things and my legs and back were screaming at me to stop moving. Here’s a small gripe – why are there no places to sit at grocery stores except in the Pharmacy and at the entrance? I had to put gas in my car yesterday and barely got home before my body, once again wanted to shut down. Not fun.
Then there’s the asthma. When the weather gets cold, I start having to think carefully about going outside. it’s hard to breathe when the temps get down to the lower 20’s. I have to cover my nose and mouth when it gets down to the single digits, and when it’s below zero, like now, I can’t go outside because I can’t breathe. No ands ifs or buts. I just cannot catch my breath.
I try so hard not to get mad at people who don’t get it, but after 30 some odd years, it gets frustrating and annoying. And when I’m out of breath and hurting, that is NOT the time to ask why I’ve stopped and what’s really the matter.
Some days I just want to give up. Hide in a cave or something. But then, the sun comes up and I find that, once again, I can breathe…