Monthly Archives: August 2014

I think my life is broken


Once again, it’s after midnight and I’m still awake.  I start to drift off, but then, just as I hit that completely asleep place, I’m not asleep anymore.  The only reason I can think of is all this crap surrounding my hernia operation.  I’m getting so many different thoughts and opinions about this whole thing, but nobody is listening to me.  And when they say they are, once I get the words, “A little concerned about…” out, they stop listening and start telling me how silly I am to be worrying about…, that I should “Let go and let God, or half a dozen other trite little remarks that I have heard at least 50 times since this whole stupid thing started.  And still, no one listens to me.

Yes, I know that this is considered a “routine procedure”.  Yes, I know to let go and let God.  Yes, I know I will be “out of commission” for at least a week.  Yes, I know I will be in pain for the first few days.  And finally, yes, I know it could be worse.  But that’s not what I NEED to talk about.

I have been very blessed through out my whole life.  I have never spent any time in the hospital for anything serious.   Yes, I was in once for a bee sting.  Just a couple of hours.  Yes, I was the hospital over night for “observation”  for my flutter, but those had nothing to do with surgery.  And even if it is “just” laparoscopic surgery, it’s still surgery and I will be unconscious for the whole thing.  And of course, because no one will listen to my many questions – just wait till I get a chance to talk to my new surgeon in Denver! – I try to find out about all this on the internet. ( And that is an adventure in and of itself!)

So I know, sort of always have known, what a hernia is and some of the reasons for having one.  And this laparoscopic thing, I sort of understand, but not completely.  Yes, I know they poke a bunch of little holes in my stomach area and put a mesh of some sort over the hole the hernia has created… Now here’s where the arguments start.  I’ve seen the commercials about the lawsuits over mesh surgeries and no one seems to think I should worry about that.  But I do.  And, after listening to my dear sister explaining all about why they have to do all these tests on me before hand, I am now worried about “going under” anesthesia.  And you add to that how relieved everybody was when it turned out that my surgery was going to be in Denver, not here…

And that’s another thing.  And it gets a little bit complicated.  Because I do want to see my family and friends that live there.  I just don’t want to spend a week there.  I will be worrying about my cat and my house and my job, even though both of my bosses have said I would get a medical leave and there would be no problem about losing my job, I can’t afford to be out of work for that long.  It scares me silly.  I’m barely making ends meet now, much less after losing a whole week’s (or possibly more) worth of pay.

Maybe I am being a bit foolish.  But aren’t I allowed to be, all things considered?  I just wish I knew more, had more answers to my many questions…


Taking a chance here…

All night exposure

This is stuff that’s been on my mind for awhile and I haven’t felt like letting it out, until lately.  It was started when the Doctor finally decided I had a hernia and that it had to be fixed.  Then the surgeon added to my “worries” by telling me she thought it was torn abdominal muscles.  Fortunately, relatively speaking, the CT Scan showed a hernia.  “A big hernia”, but a hernia nonetheless.  Then the fun began.

Because of my medical history, the doctors and nurses around here don’t want to operate on me.  I have an atrial flutter, vertigo, and asthma.  So, I have a Doctor recommended to me in Denver.  And he wants to see me as soon as we can get an appointment.  That’s a two day trip.  Up the day before, meet with the Doctor, then come home.  So I will be talking to him sometime in the next week to set that up.  In the meantime, I have a Pulmonary Function Test, an Echo cardiogram and a drug induced stress test.  I already had the EKG done.  MY Doctor thinks it’s going a bit overboard, but I do understand that these guys down here have issues about dealing with someone who isn’t 100% for surgery.

For my own part, I’m getting more and more frustrated and annoyed at how long this is dragging out.  It’s been, or is close to being, 2 months since all this brew-ha-ha started.  I am still no closer to getting this thing fixed then I was 2 months ago.  Oh, and the cost – each trip to the various Doctors and Technicians costs me $2 or $3 dollars (Medicaid).  But after 8 or 9 visits to said “specialists”, it adds up.  And there is no budge in my budget.

There have been days when I’ve just wanted to sit down and cry.  Or just throw up my hands and say I’m done with it all.  But I want this hernia thing fixed.  I can’t do ANYTHING until it is.  My lifting weight limit is 5 pounds.  5 pounds.  Weigh your bags of groceries and then tell me how long it takes to unload a month’s worth of groceries.  Oh, and kitty litter.  Down here, it’s hard to find kitty litter containers less than 5 pounds.  Mostly its the 10 to 20 pound range.  Ugh.

Then there’s this whole ‘asking other people for help thing’.  I really hate to have to do that, but I can’t not ask.  I’m probably wrong, but lately I have felt like such a burden to my family and friends (here in Lamar).  Its very hard, on me at least, to tell someone, I can’t lift that, could you put it in my car?  Or, Can you put that box of books on that top shelf over there for me, please and thank you.  It just makes me feel so worthless…

Even though EVERYONE has told me not to worry about it, I’m still a little worried about the surgery.  Even if it is laproscopic surgery, I’m still going to be under a general anesthesia.  And I’ve never had any kind of surgery before at all.  Say a prayer for me and keep your fingers crossed…


When it rains…


Well, the last week and a half has been very…trying.  My car was in the shop to be tuned up; oil change, tires rotated, fluids checked, air conditioning recharged, etc., etc., etc.  The next day, as I pulled into my parking spot at work, it started making grinding noises.  When I went out, after work, to start it, it sounded like something hit the hood and the grinding noise was louder and worse.  I tried to put it in gear, to drive the five blocks to the garage, and it wouldn’t move.  She just sat there and looked at me.  (Read: nothing happened at all.)  So after I called my Mom and sister to let them know, I called the garage.  They came over and towed my poor old car back to the garage.  I rode the bus to Walmart, cause I really needed to grocery shop.  My sister came and picked me up from there and took me home.  That was Wednesday.

My sister was going to Texas over the weekend as a family representative for a family funeral.  The plan, initially, was that I would go to my home after work, gather up some clothes, then go over to Mom’s house to spend the night.  After breakfast, I would come back home, do stuff around here, then go back over to Mom’s house, with my laundry, and stay over night and come home when Cindy got home from Texas.  As I didn’t have a car, I had to ride the bus home from work and then have them take me over to Mom’s, where we were both stuck for the whole weekend.  (We had fun and a good time, we just couldn’t go any where.  And the Sand and Sage Parade was last weekend and we had to miss it.  Oh well…)

On Monday, we help set up commodities at the Senior Center.  That happens at 7 am.  I still didn’t have a car.  Cindy’s car, however, was starting to act up itself.  We got through Monday, and my car was delivered to me at 5:30 Monday evening.  Yea!!!  Cost $500 to repair and here’s why – my car has a serpentine fan belt.  The main gear that “drives” the fan belt, separated.  When that happened, the fan belt hit a pulley and loosened it which in turn hit the water pump and loosened it and knocked out some of the sealant.  It was leaking.  So it took them awhile to get all the parts and, I understand from the mechanic, it was like doing a jigsaw puzzle to get everything in properly.

Tuesday, Cindy called me to ask if I would either go over and give her a jump or take her to commodity distribution.  I took her.  The mechanic, once again, towed one of our vehicles into the garage.  So, for 2 days, again, Cindy and I shared a car.  Today, Cindy called to see if I was going to stop by after work for lunch.  She then told me what had been wrong with her car.  (This needs a little back story.  None of us smoke, so we use the ash tray to hold loose coins.)  While she was in Texas, she figures, driving over some of the rough, dirt roads around Vega, one of the pennies (copper) bounced into the lighter hole.  Once she started driving on smooth roads again, the penny’s constant contact with the lighter igniter caused a short and she lost all the electrical.  The mechanic thought it was funny and kept the penny.  It cost her $60 – for labor.

Then today I talked to the surgeon, finally.  Seems it really is a hernia, a big hernia, but a hernia all the same.  That makes me happy.  However, because I have Atrial Flutter, the doctors and nurses down here don’t feel comfortable doing surgery on me.  So, I have to go to either Denver or Colo. Springs for the surgery.  The surgeon here will recommend a surgeon in Denver, if that’s what I want.  So, I will have a consult with my Doctor on the 21st, and a meeting with a cardiologist on the 18th, then we’ll figure out who I will be seeing and when.  I am so over this and want it done –  now.

Its Soap Box Time!

New chair nap

As many of you know, I have a cat and I adore her.  She makes me crazy some days and other days, she is my bestest buddy ever.  Especially lately.  And as many of you know, I’ve been going through some medical stuff that has me a bit concerned.  (Although I have been told repeatedly not to be, by several people.)  And lately, my sweet faced Meow-Yen Kitty has been surprisingly cuddly.  Which she’s not.  And I’m loving every minute of it.  So here’s where my soap box comes in.  And I will try to be concise.

I love animals, and little kids.  Two of the most loving and innocent of God’s creatures.  I hate that people use and abuse both of them, but today I’m focusing on animal abuse in its oh so many forms.  The point is, why can’t people just be kind.  To animals and kids?  What kind of society do we live in where it’s okay to abuse animals and small children?  You don’t have to like animals.  I know several people who don’t, but they also don’t hurt the furry critters.

I was reading about some police in Detroit who shot a woman’s dog 14 times, because it barked at them.  Really?  Seriously?  Come on people.  Dogs Bark.  Get over it.  And especially the police.  And they weren’t even punished in any way, shape or form.  Not even for discharging their fire arms in the city.

Then there’s the guys in Denver, a few years ago, who thought it would be so funny to light a kitten on fire and watch it run around.  Poor kitten.  Fortunately, the kitten was rescued and after many months of medical care, she was adopted by a family that already had a cat.  Last I heard she is doing fine.  The guys who did this, though just got their wrist slapped and a fine of $75 each (I think).

Do people not realize that those who abuse animals have a 80% chance of going on to abuse people?  It makes my blood boil.  I have rescued kitties myself, and the worse two were the female cat, who was pregnant, whose owner was beating her with a broom because she was always hiding from people.  Well, duh.  I had her for three years and she turned into such a sweet thing, before I had to put her to sleep.

The other rescue was my boy, China Blue.


I found him and his litter mates floating down a small canal in a paper bag.  There were five kittens all together, none of them had their eyes open.  Two were already dead, a third one died on the way to the vet and the fourth one the vet had to euthanize.  Then there was China Blue.  The vet advised against trying to hand raise him (they seem to do that a lot) and warned me he might not make it.  But, I can be very stubborn at times.  I had very understanding employers at the time and they let me rig up a sling to carry him around with me while I was at work.  I had China Blue for close to 16 years and I still miss him.

It is now a felony for people to abuse animals.  About Bloody Time.  At least it is here in Colorado.  Can’t remember if it’s nation wide.  I hope so.  Its just so sad that people have to be such stupid bullies.