I think my life is broken

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Once again, it’s after midnight and I’m still awake.  I start to drift off, but then, just as I hit that completely asleep place, I’m not asleep anymore.  The only reason I can think of is all this crap surrounding my hernia operation.  I’m getting so many different thoughts and opinions about this whole thing, but nobody is listening to me.  And when they say they are, once I get the words, “A little concerned about…” out, they stop listening and start telling me how silly I am to be worrying about…, that I should “Let go and let God, or half a dozen other trite little remarks that I have heard at least 50 times since this whole stupid thing started.  And still, no one listens to me.

Yes, I know that this is considered a “routine procedure”.  Yes, I know to let go and let God.  Yes, I know I will be “out of commission” for at least a week.  Yes, I know I will be in pain for the first few days.  And finally, yes, I know it could be worse.  But that’s not what I NEED to talk about.

I have been very blessed through out my whole life.  I have never spent any time in the hospital for anything serious.   Yes, I was in once for a bee sting.  Just a couple of hours.  Yes, I was the hospital over night for “observation”  for my flutter, but those had nothing to do with surgery.  And even if it is “just” laparoscopic surgery, it’s still surgery and I will be unconscious for the whole thing.  And of course, because no one will listen to my many questions – just wait till I get a chance to talk to my new surgeon in Denver! – I try to find out about all this on the internet. ( And that is an adventure in and of itself!)

So I know, sort of always have known, what a hernia is and some of the reasons for having one.  And this laparoscopic thing, I sort of understand, but not completely.  Yes, I know they poke a bunch of little holes in my stomach area and put a mesh of some sort over the hole the hernia has created… Now here’s where the arguments start.  I’ve seen the commercials about the lawsuits over mesh surgeries and no one seems to think I should worry about that.  But I do.  And, after listening to my dear sister explaining all about why they have to do all these tests on me before hand, I am now worried about “going under” anesthesia.  And you add to that how relieved everybody was when it turned out that my surgery was going to be in Denver, not here…

And that’s another thing.  And it gets a little bit complicated.  Because I do want to see my family and friends that live there.  I just don’t want to spend a week there.  I will be worrying about my cat and my house and my job, even though both of my bosses have said I would get a medical leave and there would be no problem about losing my job, I can’t afford to be out of work for that long.  It scares me silly.  I’m barely making ends meet now, much less after losing a whole week’s (or possibly more) worth of pay.

Maybe I am being a bit foolish.  But aren’t I allowed to be, all things considered?  I just wish I knew more, had more answers to my many questions…

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