Category Archives: Philosophy

Sorry I’ve been away so long

Tall-Trees1183-1-of-1  I find myself at a new place in my life.  I find that I am content.  I am at peace.  I’ve accepted all the things that are wrong with my poor old body.  And, yes, someday one of those problems will probably kill me, but in the meantime, I’m dealing with it.  Doesn’t mean I don’t have days when my knees just kill me to try to walk on them. Doesn’t mean I enjoy days where the smoke or the dust or the heat or the cold make it hard for me to breathe, doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days anymore, it just means I’ve come to accept that it’s a part of my life and I’m just going to have to deal with those days when they come.

I’ve also found that I’m not constantly angry any more.  I don’t feel the need to get up on a soapbox every other day or so.  Yes, there are still lots of things that I am very passionate about, but I don’t get made at the whole human race, like I use to, when one small segment pisses me off, and they still do.  Actually, it saddens me to realize that there are so many wretched people in the world.  And animal and child abuse still makes me very angry, idiots who think that just because they’re unhappy or mad or stupid that gives them the right to shoot up a mall or a school or a military base, people who are so set in their ways and their view of the world that they feel it is necessary to destroy  a whole country’s history so theirs is the only point of view.  These still annoy the crap out of me and still make me very angry, however, as long as I do whatever I can do to make my little piece of the world better and happier, then God can take care of the rest of the stuff.  And I think, that’s really the bottom line.

I can’t say that I’ve “found” God.  He was never missing from my life, but I didn’t always pay attention to Him.  He’s always been there, through everything, helping to make the way smoother, when I would finally get out of the way.  I think I have finally learned how to get out of the way, to listen when God sends me a message, and to thank Him everyday whether I can see what He has done for me or not.  A lot of things I expected to go sideways in a bad way lately, haven’t.  And for that, I am so very thankful.  God is good.

So, while I try to figure out what I want to do with this blog, I may be silent for awhile, but I will do something with this, just don’t know what just yet.

Thanks for reading and I’ll be back soon.

My New Normal

Ring of Kerry_Atlantic

Lately, I’ve been dealing with what I’m calling my New Normal.  And, as with so many other things, there are several phases to go through to get to the acceptance level of my New Normal.  And I’m not really sure I’m there yet.

My New Normal life includes things like COPD, asthma, arthritis in both knees and moving up to my shoulders, a sciatic hip, and now, I have issues with my wrist from using the computer mouse wrong.  (Insert heavy sigh here.)  I’ve been dealing with the asthma for about 25 years, or so I thought.  Seems I was diagnosed with it when I was 12, but my Mom and my Doctor decided it wasn’t something I needed to know cause it was “low grade” asthma and it wasn’t really giving me much trouble.  I now understand why my Doctor would always tell me, “You know that stuff you had before?  Well, you’ve got it again.”  when I’d go in because I wasn’t feeling very well and was a little short of breath.  Was not pleased to learn this. It means I have had asthma for 48 years, give or take.  Oh, yea.

My arthritis is the result of “if I’d known I was going to live this long I’d have taken better care of myself…”  Too many twisted, popped, tweaked knee injuries over the course of my life.  I always was an accident looking for a place to happen.  But I can deal with the arthritis, as long as the barometer isn’t falling, or already in the cellar, then I have issues.  The sciatica, though, is another story completely.  I have yet to figure out what sets that off.  I can go for weeks before it flares up.  Then I can hardly walk.  Sometimes even sitting is difficult.  The same goes for my wrist.  Fortunately, when it starts up, if I just take a few minutes and let my arm hang down for a bit, everything goes away and I can go back to work.  Oh well…

The one I’m having the hardest time with is the COPD.  I’m having a real hard time dealing with the prospect of being on oxygen 24/7 for The Rest Of My Life.  I get so angry and frustrated with the stupid tanks.  I keep trying to stay off it, but I always have to give in and put the stupid nose hose on and breath the oxygen.  Oh, and I get a lot of “How long did you smoke?” remarks.  I have NEVER smoked.  The only thing I can think of is that when I was born, my lungs and sinuses were filled with mucus and not functioning very well, the Doctors put me in an oxygen tent for a week.  PURE oxygen.  For a week.  So many things get explained by that.  None of this stuff is due to anything I did.  It isn’t my fault, but I get to deal with it.  I know that having hernia surgery with the anesthesia that they used, so I wouldn’t have any problems, added to the crap with my lungs.  It was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I suppose, eventually, I would have ended up on oxygen, but before I hit 60 kind of sucked.

I still try to get away with not using the oxygen all the time, like I should, and then rush to put it on when I get winded.  So, like I said, not quite at the accepted level, still at the frustration level.  Still pretty unhappy and feeling that it’s just not fair.  But there’s a small, little voice that creeps in from time to time to remind me that the option is far less acceptable.

Well, when did this happen?

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Yesterday, My Mom, Sister and a family friend and I went garage saling.  Before we got started, we went to McDonald’s for a quick breakfast.  When Cindy was ordering, I realized that she ordered a Senior Coffee for me.  When did I become “a Senior”?  And do I really want to be one?  It’s not that I mind taking advantage of all the benefits that come with being “a Senior”, I’m just not sure I’m ready to admit that I am one.  I certainly don’t feel like it.  Except on days like today, when the barometer is in the basement and ankles hurt and knees hurt and shoulders hurt and back hurts.  For a change, the only thing that hasn’t hurt today is my sciatic hip.

Okay, so I’m now on oxygen 24/7, darn asthma and COPD, (and no, I have never smoked, just bad lungs, badly cared for when I was growing up.), I have trouble walking long distances, thanks arthritis, my right shoulder is now starting to give me grief, I find the occasional silver strand of hair from time to time and sleep and I have not agreed on sleep times for quite awhile.  There, that is my list of complaints.  There are a few more things, but they’re little and only bother me on  rare occasions.

So, here’s the thing, I still FEEL like I’m in my forties or fifties.  I know, age is a matter of mind, if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.  And most of the time, I could care less how old I am.  Sometimes, though, I feel old.  Today is one of those days.  Low barometer, wind, and heat – 76 degrees today, March 6th.  76 degrees.  In March.  It’s a little scary.  I don’t do well in heat.  I’ve had 2 “episodes” of heat sickness and the last put me in the hospital.  So there’s another thing that doesn’t work so well any more – my internal thermostat is shot to pieces.

Still, I guess I’m really not too upset about the Senior thing.  I just don’t know exactly when it happened.  And why…

Deep Thoughts

Life and Death Intermingled

I know, it sounds trivial, been used so many times, but it’s true for me just now.  I have to say, first, that I’m one of those people that get upset at the young people, who act like the world owes them something.  The world owes nobody anything.  Now, having said that, here’s the kicker…  Lately, I’ve been acting a little bit like that myself.  Ranting and pleading and begging at/to God.

I have so much to be thankful for.  I have been blessed in so very many ways.  I’m as healthy as I can be, I have a house to live in, a vehicle to get me to and from a job that I really do love.  My Mother and sister are as healthy as they can be.  My brother is doing amazingly well after his gastric sleeve surgery (already lost 100 pounds or more), and the rest of my family, near and far, are, at this point in time, healthy and happy and safe.  My kitty is healthy and, I think, happy, too.   I have food to eat and clothes to wear.  I have 2 TVs and 2 sort of computers (one works really well, one is just this side of crap) and a tablet.  I have books to read and games to play and friends that, I think, care what happens to me and, last but certain not the least at all, I have God and Jesus on my side.

So why do I act like I have nothing and need/want more?  I have been thinking about that a lot.  Deeply and thoroughly.  And I have come to the conclusion that it’s a part of the instant gratification mind set.  Like Violet in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”.  “I want it all and I want it now”.  For example, I want a NEW car, I want a fence across the front of the yard, I want a yard of creeping thyme instead of brown grass and weeds.  I want a willow tree, a lemon tree, an avocado tree growing in my back room.  I want new, nice furniture,  I want ceiling fans in every room.  I want a real furnace and a real air conditioner.  I want a dishwasher and a washer and/or dryer.  I want a big screen TV for the living room.  I want a “catio” for Meow-Yen so she can sit safely outside and watch the birds with out me worrying about her.

And none of all this stuff will change my life much, if at all.  Yes, the dishwasher would be great as I hate washing dishes by hand.  A washer would be great, too, so I could do the laundry when I need to, rather than waiting till Sunday and doing my laundry at Mom and Cindy’s.  I would rather go over, sit around and talk, eat lunch, play dominoes and then go home.  But, again, what difference will it really make?  There will always be something else that “I can’t live without”.  And really, I don’t think I need as much as I think I do.  It all comes down to trusting God’s plan for me.  And every time, every time I try to do things by myself, it never works right, or at all.  And that, in turn, frustrates me.  Which is when I start my ranting and pleading and begging to God.  I think He’s trying to teach me patience.  I am not a good student.  Forgive me, Father God, when I’m stupid like this.

The Winter Solstice

Winter-solstice

(Before I go any farther, I have to say that the above picture is from a site called http://esperancestonehenge.com.au/  They are in Australia and this is a replica of Stonehenge at the Winter Solstice as it would have been seen around 1950 BC.)

Today is the Winter Solstice.  My favorite day of the year.  Yes, it is the shortest day of the year, and winter officially begins today, but that’s all okay, sort of.  The days will start getting longer again.  Yes, I know we still have “the dead of winter” to get through, but from my depression’s point of view, it’s all good now.  There will still be snow and cold and grey skies, but I can see the end of winter coming in three months.

Now, while over all, I’m very happy, I know there are going to be days when I will have to deal with my S.A.D., but that’s okay.  I have dealt with it for many years, and it does get easier as the days go by and the light stays longer.

Christmas is only 4 days away now.  Even though I didn’t do much decorating this year – couldn’t afford to pay for the extra electricity- I am still looking forward to spending time with my family and just being together.  We may have an Aunt and Uncle come and my brother may try to come for Saturday, so we will have lots of good times and laughter and food.  And that’s the most important part for me.  Being with the people I love, and who love me, and letting them know how much they mean to me.

So, for all of you who are reading this, Have yourself a very Merry and Blessed Christmas and a very Happy and Healthy New Year.

Why????

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Why does everything have to end?  Okay, so maybe not everything, maybe just a few things.  I’m having one of those days.  Silly old me.  Watched the final episode of “Warehouse 13” finally.  Then I found a picture of me and my Dad, I was about 5, and I started missing him.  (He died in 1999.  15 years ago, and it still hurts sometimes.)  Then my bestest friend ever (okay, so he’s my boyfriend) lost his Mom.  And that makes me cry, and he has to move cause he can’t afford to live in the house he’s been living in…

I do know that things end, that we’re not getting out of this alive, and that’s usually fine.  I have no fear of death, it just means I’m going home, but sometimes when things end, I’m not ready for it.  Summer ends, plants and flowers die, cars stop working, pets die,  people die, jobs end.  I’m just a bundle of joy and happiness aren’t I?

Okay, so there are things that never seem to end – an ex-employee that keeps hanging around, cause they have nothing better to do.  A guy who’s a complete idiot and whose main goal, it seems, in life is to prove that God is an idiot and that Satan will confess his sins and be forgiven just before judgement day, and that because the Bible was written by man, it is inaccurate and not to be believed.  We think he’s a member of the Church of Scientology and refuses to believe anything that counters his beliefs.  Personally, I think he’s been brainwashed.  (And so do several other people that have to deal with him.)  I just wish he’d find somewhere else to spout his nonsense.

Oh well.  Such is life.  Some things end, other things drag on forever.  And it’s always the fun stuff and the good things that end.  And the other stuff, looneys, winter, news programs, conspiracy theories, bad TV shows, all go on forever, or seem to.  But for now, the sky is blue, the trees and grass are green, the wind is only a little more than a breeze and the temp is 100.  I guess I can deal…