Tag Archives: Father God

My new normal

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Well, times change, nothing stays the same.  Here’s hoping I can do this without tears.

My Mom’s health has taken a sudden down turn.  We don’t know what’s wrong and we’ve been trying for nearly a week to get in touch with her Doctor for some advice or direction, or something.  She wakes up screaming and shaking and pounding the bed sheets.  She either can’t, or won’t, get out of bed, so we bought some adult diapers for her and some waterproof mattress pads.  It makes it so much easier to change her.  She says her mind gets dark and she doesn’t know why and she can’t think.  Other times, she sees people and animals that aren’t there.  When we can get her to eat and drink, she gets calmer.  We make sure she gets all of her meds and her insulin shots on time, and that helps, too.  It’s been a very frantic and stressful and difficult 7 days.  We’ve even tried to get her to go to the hospital but she is so afraid they are going to think she’s crazy and put her away that it’s a no go.  We’re going to keep trying though.

Finally, late this afternoon, my sister heard from the Visiting Nurses and they will be at the house tomorrow to evaluate her, help give her a bath, change the sheets on the bed, etc.  Stuff that, unfortunately, right now, neither Cindy or I are capable of doing.  It is such a load off of both our minds right now.  (And, yes, we’ve been saying Thank You, God prayers all afternoon.)  Hopefully we can get some blood work done and start trying to figure this out.  I’m hoping it is a relatively simple fix.  Maybe change some of her meds, maybe change her diet, maybe add something…  She thinks she’s had a stroke, but neither Cindy or I really agree with that.

Bottom line is this, I want my Mother back, even if its only for a short while…

 

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Sorry I’ve been away so long

Tall-Trees1183-1-of-1  I find myself at a new place in my life.  I find that I am content.  I am at peace.  I’ve accepted all the things that are wrong with my poor old body.  And, yes, someday one of those problems will probably kill me, but in the meantime, I’m dealing with it.  Doesn’t mean I don’t have days when my knees just kill me to try to walk on them. Doesn’t mean I enjoy days where the smoke or the dust or the heat or the cold make it hard for me to breathe, doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days anymore, it just means I’ve come to accept that it’s a part of my life and I’m just going to have to deal with those days when they come.

I’ve also found that I’m not constantly angry any more.  I don’t feel the need to get up on a soapbox every other day or so.  Yes, there are still lots of things that I am very passionate about, but I don’t get made at the whole human race, like I use to, when one small segment pisses me off, and they still do.  Actually, it saddens me to realize that there are so many wretched people in the world.  And animal and child abuse still makes me very angry, idiots who think that just because they’re unhappy or mad or stupid that gives them the right to shoot up a mall or a school or a military base, people who are so set in their ways and their view of the world that they feel it is necessary to destroy  a whole country’s history so theirs is the only point of view.  These still annoy the crap out of me and still make me very angry, however, as long as I do whatever I can do to make my little piece of the world better and happier, then God can take care of the rest of the stuff.  And I think, that’s really the bottom line.

I can’t say that I’ve “found” God.  He was never missing from my life, but I didn’t always pay attention to Him.  He’s always been there, through everything, helping to make the way smoother, when I would finally get out of the way.  I think I have finally learned how to get out of the way, to listen when God sends me a message, and to thank Him everyday whether I can see what He has done for me or not.  A lot of things I expected to go sideways in a bad way lately, haven’t.  And for that, I am so very thankful.  God is good.

So, while I try to figure out what I want to do with this blog, I may be silent for awhile, but I will do something with this, just don’t know what just yet.

Thanks for reading and I’ll be back soon.

Deep Thoughts

Life and Death Intermingled

I know, it sounds trivial, been used so many times, but it’s true for me just now.  I have to say, first, that I’m one of those people that get upset at the young people, who act like the world owes them something.  The world owes nobody anything.  Now, having said that, here’s the kicker…  Lately, I’ve been acting a little bit like that myself.  Ranting and pleading and begging at/to God.

I have so much to be thankful for.  I have been blessed in so very many ways.  I’m as healthy as I can be, I have a house to live in, a vehicle to get me to and from a job that I really do love.  My Mother and sister are as healthy as they can be.  My brother is doing amazingly well after his gastric sleeve surgery (already lost 100 pounds or more), and the rest of my family, near and far, are, at this point in time, healthy and happy and safe.  My kitty is healthy and, I think, happy, too.   I have food to eat and clothes to wear.  I have 2 TVs and 2 sort of computers (one works really well, one is just this side of crap) and a tablet.  I have books to read and games to play and friends that, I think, care what happens to me and, last but certain not the least at all, I have God and Jesus on my side.

So why do I act like I have nothing and need/want more?  I have been thinking about that a lot.  Deeply and thoroughly.  And I have come to the conclusion that it’s a part of the instant gratification mind set.  Like Violet in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”.  “I want it all and I want it now”.  For example, I want a NEW car, I want a fence across the front of the yard, I want a yard of creeping thyme instead of brown grass and weeds.  I want a willow tree, a lemon tree, an avocado tree growing in my back room.  I want new, nice furniture,  I want ceiling fans in every room.  I want a real furnace and a real air conditioner.  I want a dishwasher and a washer and/or dryer.  I want a big screen TV for the living room.  I want a “catio” for Meow-Yen so she can sit safely outside and watch the birds with out me worrying about her.

And none of all this stuff will change my life much, if at all.  Yes, the dishwasher would be great as I hate washing dishes by hand.  A washer would be great, too, so I could do the laundry when I need to, rather than waiting till Sunday and doing my laundry at Mom and Cindy’s.  I would rather go over, sit around and talk, eat lunch, play dominoes and then go home.  But, again, what difference will it really make?  There will always be something else that “I can’t live without”.  And really, I don’t think I need as much as I think I do.  It all comes down to trusting God’s plan for me.  And every time, every time I try to do things by myself, it never works right, or at all.  And that, in turn, frustrates me.  Which is when I start my ranting and pleading and begging to God.  I think He’s trying to teach me patience.  I am not a good student.  Forgive me, Father God, when I’m stupid like this.

Its been awhile

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I know its been awhile since I last sat down to write.  There have been lots of things going on and I could never figure out what to write about.  I’m still not sure, but I’m going to try to give you smallish idea of everything that has been going on lately…

Where to start…

Still waiting to hear on my Social Security Disability.  It’s been 4 weeks now and I’m starting to get a bit “antsy”.  I have been told that the longer it takes, the better, still, I’m more than a little bit nervous, anxious, worried, frustrated, etc…   Saying I have so many plans for the back pay is an understatement.  And my lists (yes, lists) change almost daily.  Some stuff I really need and some stuff I just want.  Of course, the first two things I’m going to do is my tithe and give half to my Mom and Sister, for all the money and help they’ve given me, mostly in the last couple of years.  Sigh

My hernia repair failed, so I’m back on weight restrictions and hernia watch.  Not very big just now, about the size of a quarter.  We are just going to “watch it” and see if it grows and/or how quickly it grows.  Sigh.

I found out, in the last week or so, that the Senior Center would like to hire me as a permanent employee.  They just don’t have the funds.  And as said funds come through the County, they have to “petition” for the additional $10,000 (approximately) it would cost to hire me.  I would be doing the same things I am now for the same hours and the same pay, but I wouldn’t have to jump through any of the hoops I have to jump through now.  Again, I have to wait.  Sigh.

It’s time to renew my food stamps, and I’m trying to decide if I should.  I probably will, its not difficult to do.  Still…

And finally, on the trying to get things moving side, I have been doing a lot of talking to Father God.  Mostly to keep saying thank you, but occasionally to remind myself that God’s timing is not my timing and I just need to relax and breathe.  Not sigh, just breathe…

An Open Letter On Christmas Eve

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Okay, before anybody gets all up in arms, yes, I know – Santa wasn’t really at the manger.  He is a figment of our imaginations.  I understand that, but it’s the symbolism that I’m looking at.  We all know that Christmas celebrates Christ’s birth.  The Santa thing, is in keeping with that, if you are willing to open your mind and think about it a little.

Christ came to Earth to be humbled, to be a servant, to be mankind’s scapegoat for all of our numerous and, in far too many cases lately, horrendous sins.  All he asks is that we love each other and believe in him and Father God.

Santa spends all year making toys for children.  I think someone said the cost this year was somewhere in the Billion dollar range.  That’s a lot of “stuff” to give out each year with no expectations of receiving anything in return except some cookies and a glass of milk and maybe an occasional thank you letter.  And yes, once again, I know – Santa isn’t real.  But he is.  Perhaps not physically, but the spirit of Santa shows itself when ever a Mom or Dad buys a present for their child (or children).  When an Aunt or Uncle buys a gift for a niece or nephew.  If it is done correctly, it teaches children to think about someone else.  And isn’t that what Christ teaches?  Be a servant, help someone else.  Even if all you can do is put money into the Salvation Army bucket, or help serve meals to those who wouldn’t have any otherwise.

So Santa paying respects to the baby child Jesus, fits.  We are all here to help each other out in one way or another.  Be kind to each other, share with each other.  Treat each other the way you would like to be treated.  Even strangers and, maybe most especially, even those you don’t like or who don’t like you, should be treated, at the very least, with politeness and courtesy.

To me, Christmas will always be a reminder to try harder, be a little nicer, be thankful for things more often, and always, remember to kneel, from time to time, at the manger of the Christ child.

Have a very Merry and Blessed Christmas and a very Happy and Safe New Year.

Hail and Farewell

New Year 2014 b

As this is my last entry for 2013, I wanted to be witty and sparkling.  I probably won’t be any of that.  I do want to remember and release some of the stuff I dealt with, good and bad, from 2013.

The year started off with me still living in the Denver/Boulder area with the dawning realization that I still was unemployed, my unemployment payments were running out and the knot at the end of my rope was getting far too close for comfort.  I am blessed with some amazing friends and family and we got me packed and moved to this haven of rural Colorado that is Lamar by the middle of February.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Lamar, but it was with a broken heart and trashed dreams that I came back.  I had no other option, and I knew that, but it didn’t make me feel better.  But things worked out and I have a great little house and a job and I feel truly blessed with it all.

I have a dear friend.  We have been friends for so very many years and I love him dearly, but he was so afraid of committing to any sort of relationship other than friends, that I had all but given up on him.  Good thing I held on.  Seems moving away held another silver lining – we are a couple now.  Granted a long distance couple, but we talk almost every day, one way or another, and I feel very secure and very happy with having a boyfriend who makes me laugh and really does care about me and thinks I’m sexy.

I’ve dealt with a lot of my own nasty little demons and, so far, I have won the battles.  Yes, I still have my bad days, I still get depressed and so very unhappy, but it’s not so black like it used to be.  It’s hard to explain, but I can remember when I would get so very depressed and scared and miserable, that I couldn’t see anyway out.  Like being in a deep, dark pit and not being able to find the path out.  But I can see, if not the way out, I can see where I’m going and that makes it not so dark.

I’ve had a few health scares, but nothing so terrible that I can’t learn to deal with it and live with it.

So, thank you, 2013, for all the lessons you have taught me.  Thank you, Father God, for all the blessings and gifts and grace and mercies and, yes, miracles, you have given me, not just this year, but for my whole life.  And thank you to ALL my friends and family, I know it sounds corny, but you really are the wind beneath my wings.  Thanks for lifting me up and letting me soar.

New year 2014

May you all have a Blessed and Happy and Profitable New Year.  And know that I love you all very much!