Uf da! (or something similar)

To all of you reading this – Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  Hope your holiday season was joyous and bright and wonderful.

I think I’m suffering holiday let down.  Don’t get me wrong, I had a great Christmas and and lovely New Year’s.  It’s just that right now, I’m feeling a bit down.  Especially tonight.  I’m so restless that I’ve walked through my house twice, even though it hurts to go into the back bedroom and utility room (big step down.)  My legs are just driving me crazy, they will not stop twitching.  I’ve eaten my last banana and take a potassium supplement and an aspirin.  And still they twitch.  Of course, the barometer is falling, which just adds to the pile.  Awwww!  There are a lot of things I could whine about right now, but it won’t change anything.

I have been doing a lot of “deep thinking”.  I don’t make resolutions, but I do make changes.  And I’ve got to make some changes.  I have to stay focused on whatever I need to be doing.  I get distracted so easily lately.  My sister calls it the shiny toy syndrome.  I call it the squirrel reaction.  Either way, I will be working away on something and then, like the dog that sees a squirrel, I’m off on a tangent, wasting time and energy on something useless or silly.  Like getting ready for work and finding myself sucked into something on TV.  That’s why I try to watch “fluff” in the morning.  But that doesn’t always work either.  Seems I can get sucked into to fluff just as easily as the regular stuff.  Sometimes easier.

See, I’ve gone off on a tangent.  Anyway, I’ve decided I want to re-do the house.  You know, change things around, get rid of things, get new things, paint things, etc.  I just have to figure out where to start.  That’s another issue.  I am so overwhelmed by everything that needs to be worked on, that I can’t figure out where to start.  So, I don’t do anything.  So here’s the situation:  I need to go through the boxes in the living room and put them somewhere other than the living room.  Then I need to move the furniture around a bit so I can get the couch that’s still in the utility room, into the living room and placed so I can see the TV from it.  The bathroom needs to be cleaned as does the kitchen and my bedroom.  *Sigh*  See what I mean?  My sister and my Mom would just pick a room and go.  One day it’s the kitchen, one day it’s the bathroom, then it’s the living room or the bathroom.  Wish I had a super power, maybe super strength or speed.  Or maybe not…

Uf da!

And it was going so nicely, too…

I haven’t written for awhile because, well because I didn’t have much to say.  Things have been going along nicely, for a change.  A few little bumps now and again, but nothing to light my fuse.  Until now.

Here’s a little background, I work for the State of Colorado through a program called Senior Community Service Employment Program (SCSEP).  Several months ago, I was asked to write a one page article on how SCSEP had been a benefit to me.  So I did, and sent it in.  On Friday, I got an email saying The Colorado Department of Labor would like permission to publish my article.  Well, of course.  So, I gave my boss my phone number and email and said tell them yes.  Next thing I know, I’m talking to the assistant to the director of marketing.  Well!  She wanted to give my phone number and email to her boss.  The Reader’s Digest version is that they want me to do a follow up on my story, they want to contact the papers around here AND they will help me get a few grants so I can finish training to become a Certified Genealogist.  Cool, right?

Evidently not.  I have got nothing but crap about doing this, from my family, since I mentioned it.  New rule #1 – Don’t tell Mom what I’m doing cause she gets all upset that I’m being “…scammed, or phished or any of those other horrible things that happen to people all the time, especially now. Don’t give them any of your financial information.  Or Social Security Number.  They’ll steal your identity.”  It’s the Department of Labor.  They probably already have that information.  And it’s just a picture and an article.  Besides, if any body wants to steal my stuff, go ahead.  It won’t help you in any way.  Being me is not a financial windfall, more like a money pit.  I’m not worried.

So here’s my question – Why is it so hard for my own family to say good job or congratulations, or well done, or anything other than, “You’re not going to do that, are you?”  Now, please understand this, I love my Mom.  I really do, but I have had to deal with this sort of thing my WHOLE life. ‘ I shouldn’t get too attached to that job, it probably won’t last or be what you think its going to be.  You’re going out with him, again?  Are you sure that’s a good idea?  Of course I think you’re pretty, but your my daughter, of course I think you’re pretty.  Why are you spending money right now?  You won’t have enough to pay your rent if you buy that (whatever it is I was thinking about buying).’

I don’t think there are answers to this conundrum.  It’s my personal cross to bear.  I know she thinks she’s helping.  She isn’t though.  Rant over.

Its been awhile

I know its been awhile since I last sat down to write.  There have been lots of things going on and I could never figure out what to write about.  I’m still not sure, but I’m going to try to give you smallish idea of everything that has been going on lately…

Where to start…

Still waiting to hear on my Social Security Disability.  It’s been 4 weeks now and I’m starting to get a bit “antsy”.  I have been told that the longer it takes, the better, still, I’m more than a little bit nervous, anxious, worried, frustrated, etc…   Saying I have so many plans for the back pay is an understatement.  And my lists (yes, lists) change almost daily.  Some stuff I really need and some stuff I just want.  Of course, the first two things I’m going to do is my tithe and give half to my Mom and Sister, for all the money and help they’ve given me, mostly in the last couple of years.  Sigh

My hernia repair failed, so I’m back on weight restrictions and hernia watch.  Not very big just now, about the size of a quarter.  We are just going to “watch it” and see if it grows and/or how quickly it grows.  Sigh.

I found out, in the last week or so, that the Senior Center would like to hire me as a permanent employee.  They just don’t have the funds.  And as said funds come through the County, they have to “petition” for the additional $10,000 (approximately) it would cost to hire me.  I would be doing the same things I am now for the same hours and the same pay, but I wouldn’t have to jump through any of the hoops I have to jump through now.  Again, I have to wait.  Sigh.

It’s time to renew my food stamps, and I’m trying to decide if I should.  I probably will, its not difficult to do.  Still…

And finally, on the trying to get things moving side, I have been doing a lot of talking to Father God.  Mostly to keep saying thank you, but occasionally to remind myself that God’s timing is not my timing and I just need to relax and breathe.  Not sigh, just breathe…

Venting from my soap box…

Okay.  I will not be using names in my rant tonight.  In no way am I protecting anybody but my own self here.

There are few things that sent me straight to completely pissed off faster than a fool spouting his foolishness and insisting his view of life, the universe and everything is the correct vision and every thing else is the result of communists infiltrating EVERYTHING and spreading their lies and manipulating every one to their way of thinking.  He even has “proof”.  And he’s writing a book so that he can save the rest of the world.  Normally, this sort of idiocy wouldn’t bother me much, but now, he’s announced that Christianity  and the Bible are all based on a lie.  Oh, and he says he’s a Christian Atheist.  Talk about your oxymoron.  He believes that Jesus was born and lived and died and ascended into heaven.  Beyond that, there is no proof that any of the other “stuff” in the bible happened.  Oh, and Hitler was forgiven and Satan will be forgiven and we’ll all be one big happy family living in a new Jerusalem.  Seriously?  And it doesn’t matter if we can show him proof, from archeological digs, that just about everything mentioned in the Bible is true, he insists that its all manufactured stuff from the communists that run the world.  When he is reminded that communists don’t believe in God or Jesus, he just shakes his head and says “See, even you believe their lies and stories.”

I just want to hit him upside the head with a 2×4.  With a rusted nail in it.  Several times.

I told him this morning that he is never to talk to me again.  Ever, unless he wants me to take his head off.  Then he says, “But, you’re my favorite person, ever.”    Really?  Seriously?  I just reiterated my earlier statement – do not talk to me – ever.

Here’s the part that really annoys me, though.  I feel sorry for him.  I know his brain is broken and that’s why he spouts all this nonsense, but he never listens to any body else.  And he’s about to get himself thrown out of the Senior Center.  And I don’t think he understands that it’s his own fault.  So, I get so mad at him, but then I feel so sorry for him.  and yes, I do say prayers for him, but I wonder if it’s worth my time to continue.  If he truly denies the existence of God and does not believe the Holy Bible, then what are his chances of going to heaven?  I’m thinking hell, in a hand basket.  And then I feel sorry for him.  Then I say a prayer for him.  Then I get annoyed with myself.

So, the days he’s at The Senior Center, are my hardest, worse days cause I know, no matter how busy I am, he’s sitting there, at the first computer just past my desk waiting for me to turn around to talk to him.  And I refuse to turn around while he’s in the room.

I don’t know if there is a solution, I just needed to vent…

 

I think my life is broken

Once again, it’s after midnight and I’m still awake.  I start to drift off, but then, just as I hit that completely asleep place, I’m not asleep anymore.  The only reason I can think of is all this crap surrounding my hernia operation.  I’m getting so many different thoughts and opinions about this whole thing, but nobody is listening to me.  And when they say they are, once I get the words, “A little concerned about…” out, they stop listening and start telling me how silly I am to be worrying about…, that I should “Let go and let God, or half a dozen other trite little remarks that I have heard at least 50 times since this whole stupid thing started.  And still, no one listens to me.

Yes, I know that this is considered a “routine procedure”.  Yes, I know to let go and let God.  Yes, I know I will be “out of commission” for at least a week.  Yes, I know I will be in pain for the first few days.  And finally, yes, I know it could be worse.  But that’s not what I NEED to talk about.

I have been very blessed through out my whole life.  I have never spent any time in the hospital for anything serious.   Yes, I was in once for a bee sting.  Just a couple of hours.  Yes, I was the hospital over night for “observation”  for my flutter, but those had nothing to do with surgery.  And even if it is “just” laparoscopic surgery, it’s still surgery and I will be unconscious for the whole thing.  And of course, because no one will listen to my many questions – just wait till I get a chance to talk to my new surgeon in Denver! – I try to find out about all this on the internet. ( And that is an adventure in and of itself!)

So I know, sort of always have known, what a hernia is and some of the reasons for having one.  And this laparoscopic thing, I sort of understand, but not completely.  Yes, I know they poke a bunch of little holes in my stomach area and put a mesh of some sort over the hole the hernia has created… Now here’s where the arguments start.  I’ve seen the commercials about the lawsuits over mesh surgeries and no one seems to think I should worry about that.  But I do.  And, after listening to my dear sister explaining all about why they have to do all these tests on me before hand, I am now worried about “going under” anesthesia.  And you add to that how relieved everybody was when it turned out that my surgery was going to be in Denver, not here…

And that’s another thing.  And it gets a little bit complicated.  Because I do want to see my family and friends that live there.  I just don’t want to spend a week there.  I will be worrying about my cat and my house and my job, even though both of my bosses have said I would get a medical leave and there would be no problem about losing my job, I can’t afford to be out of work for that long.  It scares me silly.  I’m barely making ends meet now, much less after losing a whole week’s (or possibly more) worth of pay.

Maybe I am being a bit foolish.  But aren’t I allowed to be, all things considered?  I just wish I knew more, had more answers to my many questions…

Disclaimer…

There have been a few people that have made some comments that, while I understand that they think they are being constructive and helpful, have become a bit annoying.  So, here’s my answer to those who think they are “helping”.

This is my blog.  I write it mostly for myself.  I’m not looking to sell anything, I’m not interested in increasing my “following” by the hundreds, I’m not interested in improving my writing skills (well, not in the way suggested) and I’m certainly not interested in promoting someone else’s website or blog page.

This is for myself.  And for a few friends who have been kind enough to read it.  It’s my way of keeping anybody who is interested updated on my life.  It’s easier for me to do this then write long, wordy letters, emails or Facebook posts.  I don’t write on a regular basis because things don’t change often in my life.  Mostly.  Those of my friends that read this know how to get in touch with me and while I appreciate the comments, just understand that I reserve the right to completely ignore those that just don’t apply to me or my blog.

As for an email address to contact me, if you become my friend, a real friend, not a web or Facebook friend, I’ll get back with you on that.

To my “real” friends that read my blog, thank you very, very much and I really do appreciate your thoughts and comments.  Keep it up.

Updating…

Well, after weeks of waiting, I finally have 4 corn stalks growing.  I may not have any corn to eat, but I’m happy with the corn stalks.  My tomatoes are growing, slowly.  They are covered with blossoms though, so I’m happy with that.  The heat we had (with massive wind) killed my sage plants and totally destroyed my lattice.  That I’m not happy with.  My avocado is growing well.  It’s almost a foot and a half tall.  Fingers crossed…

My friend who was running for a County Commissioner’s seat lost.  I’m unhappy about that because the guy that won is a jerk.  He will now have control of the County’s money, which is a bad thing cause when he was a city councilman, he voted to spend $20,000 for Christmas Lights for the “main drag” of town.  Problem is, when the lights are on, they look like giant sperm swimming down the street.  He also voted for a coal plant that still (10 years later) does not work and we are still paying for.  Can’t wait to see what he does now.

On the up side, I finally have the shingles for my roof.  Now, how long before the guys get up there and replace the tiles, God only knows.  Really.

Actually, my life in general is going pretty good and I thank God every day for that.  I’m really enjoying my new job in the genealogy lab.  Even the day to day stuff is fun.  I’m having a really good time cataloging all the reference materials we have, gathering up all the death announcements and birth announcements every day, and I have 3 queries that I’m working on.  I’m loving it.

I have a few new health issues, but I also have a Doctor’s appointment to deal with them.  Until I know more about what is going on, I’m not going any farther with that.

Meow-Yen is doing well.  I changed her diet a bit and she’s losing weight and seems much happier.

All in all, at this moment in time, everything is good.

Updating

Well, the lattice is up and has survived its first wind storm.  Yea.  My sunflowers have been planted, along with all the stuff I have already planted.  I was reading the package of seeds for the Passion Flower and learned that it takes up to a year for germination.  Guess I won’t be planting a passion flower this year.  I also learned that in some areas, the passion flower is considered a weed.  Interesting.  My avocado finally stuck a sprout up yesterday, too.  Finally.  (It’s planted in dirt, not water.)

We’ve had quite a few rains lately.  More than we had this time last year.  Yea, last year we had so much rain that we had flooding.  But that was one thunderstorm that dropped 2 or 3 inches in less than 1 to 1 1/2 hours, I think.  The drought is in no way over, but any little rain is greatly appreciated.  Lots of green everywhere.  It is so lovely.  I’m enjoying it now cause July and August are coming.  And the green will be very sparse by then.

My sister and I pulled out my swamp cooler.  It makes me sick.  As in upper respiratory infection sick.  We had been talking about it for a few days.  I had been thinking about how I could get an air conditioner since the weather got warmer.  My Mom and sister had been talking about it, too.  We all finally talked about it together.  I went to my land lady and made a rather tentative suggestion – we pull out the swamp cooler and put in one or two air conditioners and she pays for half of it.  To my surprise, she said okay.  So Cindy, my sister, and I went to Walmart and got a small air conditioner.  Now, you do have to remember, my house is less than 1000 sq. ft.  We put the first one in the back window in the spare room, blowing into my bedroom.  It worked great.  Cooled the back of the house down 10 or 15 degrees.  So within the next couple of days, we pulled the swamp cooler out of the front window, bought another air conditioner, and put it in. ( I say we, but, my sister did most of the work.)  They do such a good job that my house is extremely comfortable.  Not going to be worrying about the 100+ degrees that will soon be here.

I have a new position at work now.  I’m working in the genealogy lab.  And I couldn’t be happier.  (Well, yes, I could, but that’s another story.)  I do miss my friends in the kitchen and some of the people I served, but I’m still in the same building and several of them have found out where I am, so they come by and say hi and we still talk.  The work is not hard, I keep track of all the personal events that happen every day – births, deaths, engagements, weddings, anniversaries, graduations, etc.  Anything of a personal event.  We also keep track of the towns events, but it’s mostly the people’s lives we keep track of.  I find it very interesting.  there are several projects going on, the first one is marking graves at a small, private cemetery in about a week or so.  After that, we will be going to all the area cemeteries to update our files of who is buried where.  We do this about once a year.  It will take 2 or 3 days to do, but I’m really looking forward to it.

So, now you’re updated on everything that’s been going on.  Nothing drastic, just my life in a small town on the high plains of southeastern Colorado.

So it Begins!

It’s been a very strange and a strangely busy early Spring.  But finally, yesterday, I got to start my planting.  YEA!!!  I got about half of my plants “in the ground”.  Two tomato plants, one a Sweet 100 Cherry tomato plant and the other a Lemon Boy tomato.  I got a White Sage bush planted and my second Columbine planted.

In this pot are my patio corn plants.  Need to get one more fairly large planter and a lot more potting soil.  I have my Sunflowers and Cucumbers and Poppies and Catnip and a Passion Flower to plant.  Then I have to re-hang the lattice, as it wasn’t really hung properly last year and the winds we’ve had so far have all but knocked it loose.  It’s held up by one piece of twine at the top and the twine wrapped around the porch support.  From my plants last year, I have 1 Rose that survived and 1 Mint plant.  I think it is the chocolate mint.  My Trumpet Vine survived, much to my delight, and my Wild Grape Vine will soon be growing up the side of the house.  I would like to find some Wildflowers to just sort of throw around the front yard, but I’ve got to kill all the weeds first.  Maybe that can be my next project…

It was so nice to get outside yesterday to start planting.  Don’t know why taking that first “step” outside is so hard, but the day was perfect, partly cloudy and cool-ish.  We were suppose to get rain, but I’ve lived in this part of the country long enough to know that even a 60% chance of rain can mean absolutely nothing.  It was nice sitting out on my porch listening to the birds and playing in the dirt and  wondering if my tomato plants will do well this year and if the corn will grow, at least enough to allow me some fresh, home grown corn to eat.  And will this experiment with sunflowers and cucumber work…  Oh yes, there will be pictures.  Lots of pictures…

The knot’s unraveling…

I’m about to have a pity party here, so if you’re not interested, feel free to move on to something else.  I’m at a point that I really need to vent about all sorts of things.

Southeast Colorado tends to have just 2 seasons.  The dead of winter and the high heat of summer.  Yesterday was 93 and today was a little better, only 90.  And it’s May.  (It’s 82 inside my house right now.)  Which means I need to get my swamp cooler cleaned up and running.  That means buying new filters and scrubbing out all the lime deposits from last summer.  Oh, and putting bleach in once a week so I don’t get legionnaires disease.  Or an upper respiratory infection.  Again.  I’d really rather have an actual air conditioner.  Ha!  According to my mother and sister, a swamp cooler is better because it puts moisture in the air.  Yea, so?  I can put a pot of water on the stove and set it to boiling and put moisture back into the air.  I want an air conditioner.  I did buy an small square fan today and it’s helping…

I’m still waiting to hear on my court date for my disability payments.  If my hours don’t increase at work – by at least 4 or 5 hours, I’m going to be in trouble.  My $2200 I had saved up to buy this house with (down payment), is now down to $1500.  That so kills me.  I have tried everything I know to get extra money coming in and nothing has worked.  I have even prayed – endlessly.  I didn’t sleep much last night because I have been worrying about it.  I’m trying not to worry and fret, but it creeps up on me.  Then I try to pray about it, but all that does is make me cry.  Then I’m cooled off for a little bit…

My great Aunt has been, tentatively, diagnosed with cancer and because of her age, she’ll be 88 next month, they have decided not to do anything except make her as comfortable as possible.  I hate that.  The same thing happened to my Dad.  He had inoperable pancreatic cancer and the prognosis was the same no matter what they did.  It just feels like giving up.  And I hate that feeling.  And I hate cancer.

My roof still has a patch on it and my ceiling is still unfinished.  And I seriously don’t think I’m going to see any of those guys again.  At least I’ve got 2 really nice ladders and some dry wall tools out of it…

I’m just tired of being poor.  I’m an intelligent, well educated woman who happens to be over 50.  Is that why I can’t find a good job?  Cause I’m older?  Just found out that the Supreme Court gave a ruling that made it harder to prove an age bias in hiring.  So now, I’m going to start pestering my Congressman and my Senators to get the new law passed that over turns the Supreme Court ruling and makes it harder for companies to practice age discrimination.

Well, I’m tired and it’s almost time for dinner, although I’m not certain what I will, or won’t, be eating.  Nothing sounds good at the moment…  If you’ve stuck with me this long, thank you and you all have a good evening.